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the Hook PenInventions that Aren’t and Should Never Be
by Marjorie Dorfman

Have you ever thought about patenting an idea that has been milling around in your brain for years? Do you wonder what would happen if you ever could? Read on for a treatise about another potential can of worms.

brain power augmentorInventors come from all walks of life. Some are trained engineers or scientists, but many others are everyday people working at mundane jobs. An inventor can be anyone who looks at a problematic situation and comes up with a solution. That would mean people like you, dear reader and me. But what do you do with that momentous idea that is bursting to be free from your tormented brain? It might have been Orson Welles who said, "We will sell no idea (or was it wine?) before its time", but I would suggest that we all keep some of our ideas to ourselves for all time! Read on if you dare.

The following inventions have never been and as Martha Stewart says, that’s probably a good thing. Only you can judge their relevance to your own life, but if you can find a place for them somewhere, don’t let me know, whatever you do.

My mother, who owned several French Poodles, came up with the idea to create hairpieces for dogs! She waited until we were alone one day and in sotto voce made me swear never to tell a soul, for fear someone would steal her idea. What this would have accomplished is still a moot point. (Perhaps she sold state secrets to the enemy, or maybe her dogs did, disguised underneath their toupees!) My late friend, David, shared his invention of the century, when he told me over a cocktail about his special timer device which ties shoelaces while you wait! My personal contribution to this exposé is the "restaurant crane," which hoists sated diners from their seats (after they’ve paid the bill of course) and straight into their cars! (In this case, "Hoist" puts you in the driver’s seat and not that company with the similar name.)

If you think these are far out, consider some of the following totally absurd inventions, which can be found at the web site of the very same name, Totally Absurd. Check out their latest addition, Sponge Bob Foot Pads. You put them on your feet and shuffle off to Buffalo or anywhere else you like across a freshly mopped floor. Strap on the pads as you mop and as you mop, you dry! Can you possibly live without this? If you think so, what about the urinal with a speaker and video screen attached to it? No, well, you might want to buy the all terrain baby stroller, the bicycle with its own built-in umbrella, the airplane that converts into a car, edible plates, and/or the iron stand that turns into a hot plate.

the electric apple What’s that you say? Not for you? Well, how about a set of disposable brains, for those times when you are unhappy with your frame of mind? Or maybe inner, outer and other selves (belly buttons for sale and rent) or a clothes hanger that will only accommodate designer labels for the more discerning shopper? Could your style be more a knife with a rusty blade to curtail hostility or give as a gift to a suicidal friend? Consider also disposable library cards to throw away with the book after you’ve finished reading it to save time and energy. For the gourmands among us, what about a mousetrap for the cheese connoisseur and its sister company, which specializes in cheeses for the mouse connoisseur? Perhaps you are of the more superstitious ilk. If so, you might enjoy the new salt shaker that will only pour if you toss it over your left shoulder. How about a lobster cracker that bites back? Isn’t that the most perfect gift for those of us who are too shellfish to remember that lobsters have feelings too? What about a bed that makes itself five minutes after you rise? Covers unscramble, pillows fluff and whatever you do, don’t sleep late. Economical because you never need an alarm clock. Available in green only.

power generator Have you heard enough? I hope so because I am depleted of creative suggestions about inventions that aren’t and should never be. Bear in mind there are many others, all at the rim of recall for the more creative and adventurous among us. Pursue these ideas if they come to you. They are part of the dream force the universe gives to all of us that cannot and should not ever be ignored. Who knows what could happen to your idea? I don’t care, just as long as you leave me alone. Maybe my friend’s shoe lace timer or one of your ideas will be the rage of another generation, the device of the century. That’s food for thought tomorrow. At least it's not around today. And that, as I said before, can only be a good thing.

Did you know . . .

Serious about your invention? Check this site for information:
Free Patents Online
The site has much more data and features than the USPTO or any other free site, so I hope it will be of use to you.

And anyone with a sense of humor will love this page of Mr. Ryley's at Free Patents:

Crazy Patents

How to License Your Million Dollar Idea
Here's a really useful book:

How to License Your Million Dollar Idea

by Harvey Reese

We all have great ideas, and every day, ordinary people turn their simple, clever ideas into products or services that earn them millions in royalties. So what separates those who earn money exploiting their ideas from those who don't? This book gives you all the information and all the motivation you need to turn your ideas into money without investment or financial risk.

This is just the most wonderful source . . .

. . . for toys, gifts and hobby stuff.

And here you can get a gift that's really unexpected!

50% off Swiss Army watches

Free shipping over $50 at

tech humor quotes
"Technology has enabled man to gain control over everything except technology."

"Never trust a computer that you can't throw out the window."
Steve Wozniak

Inventors Spot

Read more by Marjorie on inventions and innovations.

And don't miss these absurd patents. Great fun!

Don't miss this excellent book:

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cashing in On Your Inventions

by Richard C. Levy

Cashing in On Your Inventions

The complexity of commercializing inventions is very difficult to cover in one book, but this book will help anyone looking to "Cash In on Your Inventions". Richard Levy shares his experiences as an extremely successful individual inventor. These are revealed through lists, anecdotes, fast facts, notable quotes, and savvy forms and resources.

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